Monday, June 25, 2012

Submission in the Household: Domestic Abuse Edition *TRIGGER WARNING!*

Photo courtesy of Samurai Karate Studio. Find them at

A woman is out on a date with a guy she just met. The date is going well and they hit it off. She can't help but think "Oh, he's so sweet and perfect. I hope he'll see me again." And she does. They make their relationship official and all is well....

Fast forward 12 months. She's just forgotten to put his clothes in the dryer, because she was cooking breakfast. Now he's going to be late for work. "Why can't you do anything right?" he says stepping slowly towards her.

"I...I'm sorry, I just... forgot. I was trying to make you breakfast..." she stammers, cowering.
"Forget it! Now I have to wear wet clothes!"
She bursts into tears and can't stop herself from thinking, "He's right, I can't do anything right."

Later that week, she's bathing her daughter, and couldn't get to the phone in time to answer his call. He comes home that night, in a rage. He accuses her of cheating, since she wouldn't answer his call. "No," she pleaded. "No, I was just giving my daughter...." She doesn't finish her sentence. He hits her across the face. "See what you made me do?" He backs away and goes to take a shower, muttering about how worthless she is. She's so confused. Why did she make him hit her? It was her fault, all her fault.

Photo done by me

He comes to her in bed that night and lifts her chin. She flinches and pulls back. He apologizes and tells her it won't happen again and that he just has anger problems. She shouldn't make him mad like that.... ever again..... But she did. Everything made him mad. He didn't like her talking to friends and her family wanted to see her, but she was too ashamed of her appearance. If she doesn't get out soon, it might be too late.......

Research suggests that 1 in 4 (25%) women has experienced domestic violence in her lifetime. Women make up 85% of domestic violence, while men make up the remaining 15%.

Depending on the type of survey, there is a range between 600,000 and 6 million women who are battered each year. Women between the ages of 20-24 are at greater risk for nonfatal violence from a partner or spouse. Most abuse comes from someone that the woman knows personally. Separate and divorced men and women are also at high risk for nonfatal abuse, says the Bureau of Justice Statistics, Intimate Partner Violence in the U.S. 1993-2004.

Each day, 4 women die as a result of abuse... Each day, 3 children die as a result of abuse. The FBI estimates that 32% of female homicides are by their partner or spouse.

Not many people understand the impact domestic violence has on battered women. She loves her partner and is attached to the loving part of him or her. They don't like the abuse, but in their mind, their loving gestures make up for it. "It won't happen again." "He says he's going to get help for his anger." Smoke and mirrors. Justification for the spouse's or partner's behavior.

As a woman who was in an abusive relationship, both physical and emotional, I know how persuasive an abuser can be. He persuaded me into thinking I was worthless without him, that I was irrational in all my thinking. He persuaded me into thinking that he wouldn't hurt me anymore, that it should be enough that he provided for me financially. I owed it to him to submit to him.

The day I had enough and left, only further confirmed that I was making the right decision. Saying hateful things is not something a loving person does. Hitting is not something a loving person does. Being manipulative is not something a loving person does. A loving person doesn't make you feel worthless. A loving person encourages you to be independent and achieve your goals, not keep you from them.
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If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, call this number for resources 1-800-799-SAFE(7233). Don't second guess yourself in your choice. Don't listen to your abuser, when they try to get you to stay. Do not continue to submit. Fight back by leaving and never looking back. Help stop domestic violence.

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