Sunday, June 10, 2012

Our Love Story- Chapter 2: Against My Will

My mom found out what was going on and forced me to stay home for 2 weeks or she'd call CPS. They should have been called long before that. We stayed clean long enough for me to land a good job, working at a heart and lung clinic, doing medical records. I loved the job and I was happy to be making good money. Temptation led right back to the dope. This time, pills were a constant add in the mix.

Fast forward 7 months. I've just lost my job after having been caught being high at work. After that, Billy and I lost our apartment and we moved into my mom's house. Billy kept getting high as I struggled to stay clean and this took a toll on our relationship. After I entered a program to help me stay clean, I left him.
(shortly after getting clean, dates on camera are wrong)

We got back together a short time later and he went into treatment. At the end of August, he was out of treatment and we married in early September.

 Now, I failed to mention before, that I'm Bipolar and since I wasn't medicated and only clean a couple months, I was having manic episodes. A week after our wedding, I decided I wanted to go to Seattle and live... alone. After I got there, I turned on my phone and got several messages from Billy saying he was going to hurt himself, he was so confused, why did I do this, and like a flash I snapped out of my mania. I panicked and bolted back to Montana. But not before I got pulled over twice for going way over the speed limit. I had to get there before anything happened to Billy.

We moved out of my mom's house shortly after and started over in our own house. I found out I was pregnant in early October, which, again was a surprise because I was on birth control. The idea quickly grew on us and we began planning. To our dismay, 4 weeks later, I lost the baby a week before my 19th birthday. We were disappointed, but agreed to try to have another baby as soon as I recovered. We became pregnant on New Year's Eve that year.

In June, Billy got promoted at his job and we moved 300 miles away from the town we called home. Pregnant and without family for the first time, it was hard on me, which made it hard on our relationship. I made several trips to my moms house that summer. A few of them were unannounced to my husband and this too strained our relationship. I was so alone, with Billy working so many hours. I knew no one and our son was so spirited, he made it difficult to go anywhere, even the 12 step meetings I needed to attend.

In October 7th, we were blessed when Casey Mercedes James made her entrance into the world on her due date. She had red hair, just like daddy. And those were our first words when she was born. "She has red hair!" The little girl we had decided on 3 years before was finally here and we were happy.

Our happiness would soon falter, as 2 months after my daughter's birth, I feared I might hurt myself and entered treatment. The doctor dismissed my insistence that I was Bipolar and misdiagnosed me as clinically depressed. What was it that people say? The customer is always right? Anyway, I didn't  continue my medication, because it didn't stabilize me.

My emotional troubles affected my husband and I. We weren't spending time together, I wasn't cleaning the house because I was anxious and depressed and this made Billy resentful, which made him not want anything to do with intimacy and this drove me deeper. I found solace in socializing on the internet and immersed myself, so I could hide from my life.

I found motivation to start exercising(but not clean... weird) and I was starting to feel good about myself. But when I entered a 5K race, Thanksgiving 2010, I trained hard and was confident. I was finally doing something. Billy didn't want to go and I told him to stay home, I didn't care if he didn't go as long as I wasn't late. He puttered around, getting ready, we get there.....15 minutes late. I couldn't race. I was crushed. I hated him after that. He ruined something I ached to achieve.

After that, I gave up on exercise. Why do it, if I didn't have a goal and why try to achieve a goal, if he was going to crush it? Again, I found solace on the internet and I stumbled across an ex(Ray), who was going to be done with pre-release in January. We started talking and he "listened to me" and "understood me". We were talking more and more, and soon, I was making plans to leave Billy.

When it came time to leave, in late January, a friend of Ray's came to get us. It was 3 hours to get to his house. The grass was greener on the on other side for only a few weeks. Ray seemed to get upset about small things and didn't like me being on Facebook or to text anyone. Even my family. He made the excuse that it was "hard to adjust to life on the outside". I believed him. On Valentine's Day, he'd been up all night and was being especially mean. The landlord had to come over to fix the water heater and when Casey wouldn't be quiet(she was 15 months old) he gave me a look I don't think I could forget, it was so mean-looking. On Valentine's Day.

I talked to Billy on the computer that night, when I couldn't sleep and we came to the agreement that I needed to get out and I still wanted to be with him. I had talked to a friend on Facebook about my plans to leave. The next day, I'd left my Facebook logged in and he went through my messages and found what I said to my friend. I was afraid to leave with him knowing.

The next couple weeks dragged by and we had to move into Ray's co-worker's house, because Ray's landlord didn't like us living together without being married(whatever, old guy). When we moved into his friend's house, his behavior got worse. I became friends with his co-worker(female) and he didn't like it one bit. In the middle of March, I found out I was pregnant. I was scared. I knew he would hold it over my head. "You can't leave if you're pregnant with my baby."

Two days after I found out I was pregnant, I left and came back to Billy. I left while I was manic and I second guessed myself so many times that I didn't know where I wanted to be, or where I should be. I went back to Ray. When I got back his friend was bitter with Ray and made us leave. We had to live in a motel. We fought everyday over things that he started. And he pinned the blame on me, every time. Since most of the fights were through texts, I SAW and knew that he was starting the fights, but being told that I was instigating the fights made me overcautious of what I could and couldn't say.

I texted him with the computer and he made me stay on the computer to text him every second he was at work. If the room was a mess, say maybe Casey made a mess, he got mad, but I was helpless to do anything about it, because if I didn't text him right away, he'd flip out and accuse me of this and that and a fight would ensue, with blaming me. It was all my fault.

Again, seeing how harmful his behavior was, I left to be with Billy. This time, I thought it was for good and Billy and I were starting to repair our relationship, despite being pregnant with Ray's baby. Everything was going great, but I started talking to Ray again, and he sucked me back into his trap. But this time, before I left, I'd gotten help for my Bipolar and had just started taking medication. Being with Ray again was worse than ever. He blamed me for everything bad that happened. He didn't let me go anywhere alone. I couldn't get off the computer to do anything without getting in trouble.

The day we found out the sex of the baby, things seemed great. I was tired, and wanted to take a nap. But he wanted to have sex. After telling him no repeatedly and him getting very angry, I told him I was leaving to cool off and run some errands. He told me my stuff would be on the lawn if I left. I told him to go ahead. He got in the car, so that he could make sure of where I was going. We argued the whole way to where I was going and I cried while driving. After we got back, I laid Casey down for a nap. He still insisted that we have sex. No no no no. I said it over and over. My words fell upon deaf ears.

Afterwards, he made me feel guilty for being upset by saying he felt like shit about himself. My feelings weren't valid as far as what he'd done to me. HE was the victim of what happened. He made me delete my Facebook several times over the next 10 days. It wouldn't be until 4 days later that I would find a moment of clarity.

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