"Chapter" 1: Nothing More Intimate Than...
This long journey started before we ever met and everything happened so we could meet the way we did. Our journey started one day, sitting at a stop light in traffic. This probably sounds cheesy and even cliche, but it was true for me. I saw this guy in traffic, average guy. I got this feeling in my gut, my soul and it told me "This man is going to change your life forever." He did.
He was my sister's co-worker at the local IHOP. I started work there, roughly a month after I saw him in traffic. I'd forgotten all about him until I saw him at work, the day after I was hired. We laughed and joked and had fun together at work, but something was there. After a week, we flirted around and one night, about 2 weeks later, I told him that I really liked him and he agreed, he felt the same way. That night, we shared a kiss in the men's bathroom, while I was supposed to be cleaning. It was the most magical moment ever. For a second, my heart stopped and I tingled and the room disappeared, it was only us. See what I mean? Cliche. But it was true for me. His name was Billy.
We started dating March 13th, 2006 and had already fallen head over heels. We daydreamed about future children, if we ever got to that point and came up with the perfect girl's name Casey Mercedes James.
Being together was one thing... but there was a problem. An age gap. I was 16 and he was 26. It had to be kept under wraps, which at a restaurant, does. not. HAPPEN! My sister found out a month later. Furious, she told my mom and my mom threatened to press charges. In Montana, it's not statutory rape after you turn 16, so he couldn't be touched legally. But it scared us, nonetheless. At the same time, it made us more determined to be together, no matter what.
It wasn't long after we got together that I noticed he was buying and selling pills at work, with the cooks. I was curious, so I got in on the action. I fell in love. I started getting curious with other things and hooked up deals with someone at school, who sold ecstasy, coke, pills, and weed. I don't know what else he sold, but it was all good and I did try it all.... within the same week. Coke was the last thing I tried and since I didn't care much for it, I sold it to a co-worker.
The day after I sold my leftovers to my co-worker, I told Billy that I wanted to try meth at some point. I knew that he did it and wanted in on trying that too. The next day, he picked me up 2 blocks away from the school at lunchtime and we walked around the park. He gave me two gel capsules that looked like prescription pills. I asked him what it was and he told me(some sort of anti-depressant medication). I figured, alright, if it gets me messed up, why not? He told me to take it and see how I felt in an hour. 20 minutes later, my scalp tightened and tingled, my arms felt giddy and I couldn't stop grinding my teeth or shut my eyes enough to blink. I didn't think anything of it. I was light as a feather. For the life of me, couldn't figure out why I couldn't stop chewing up the little baggy that the pills came in. I even tore off a little bit of a branch of a tree and started tearing it apart with my teeth. I was also feeling very intimately friendly, to say the LEAST.
After our park escapade, he dropped me off at the same place he picked me up from. Before I got out of the truck, he said "You DO know what I gave you, right?" "Yeah," I replied. "Prozac, right?" He paused nervously, "No, it was meth..." I FLIPPED OUT! I got back in the truck and shut the door. "Seriously? What the fuck! Really?" Thousands of thoughts flew through my head. *I didn't even have a chance to say no. What if I wanted to change my mind and didn't really want to do it?* It didn't matter. I had to get to class. I'd already skipped one class that day.
After 4 days of being up and having lots of sex, I finally came down. My mom found out and demanded I tell her where I got it. I never said anything, but she knew. I got tested and came up positive for everything I'd tried in the last 2 weeks.
A week later, I started feeling sick. I couldn't control the urge to vomit. I thought I was having negative side effects from being clean. Billy mentioned to me, there was a slight possibility of being pregnant. Since I was on birth control, I doubted it, but opted to go to the community clinic 2 weeks later to get tested. Positive. And by the dates of my last period, I was 6 weeks along. Little did I know, I didn't bleed from a period. I had implantation bleeding and was 10 weeks pregnant when I found out I was pregnant. I was mortified, because, here I was, between 5-7 weeks pregnant and putting all that crap in my body. I had no idea. No clue, until I was clean. I had gotten pregnant 2 days after we got together.
The roller coaster started from then on. He continued to do drugs, behind my back and we only saw each other once a week, so he could avoid me knowing(although, I knew full well what he was up to). But since I was in denial, I drove myself crazy, trying to get ahold of him and see him. When I did see him, he didn't touch me. He drank beer and watched football. I was almost to the point of leaving him, by the time it came to deliver our son.
36 weeks pregnant
On December 15th, at 7:30 in the morning, I woke up in early labor. Since I didn't know what to expect, I was tense and unsure what to do. This led to a lot of pain. A lot. We made our way to the hospital at 9:30, since it seemed like my contractions were too painful to bare.(what a wimp I was!) We were sent back home, after being deemed "too early in labor" to stay. I was bummed. This left me to cope with my contractions without the help of Billy, because since I had woken him up at 8AM, he was too tired to stay awake. At 5PM, I decided I wanted to go to the hospital. I was about a 4, but progressing slowly and as soon as I got on monitors, they wanted to keep me in bed. This made contractions so much worse and I begged and begged for the epidural. How was I to know that I had the right to get up out of bed to help with the pain if I wanted? I was 17, with no knowledge, except what I was told about how PAINFUL childbirth was. I submitted. After the epidural, there was talk of a c-section, because my contractions were almost stopped. They asked if I wanted pitocin and I nodded, and said yes, between a sob , fear that I might have to be cut open. What choice did I have? After some amazing coaching from Billy( I was shocked), at 1:45AM, I was informed that it was time to push. I didn't know how to push and gave feeble attempts. After 15 minutes of little pushes, and getting a feel of it, I pushed to a 10 count. At 2:30AM, Michael Wayne James was born into the world, but was blue and "in need of resuscitation". The room was silent for 2 minutes, as the nurses worked on getting him breathing and pinked up and I wept silently. He gave a strong kick and everyone cheered.
Once he was swaddled, he wasn't given to me, everyone else held him(mom, both sisters, Billy). I remember thinking to myself "I. want. my. baby!" But I waited. I fell in love when I saw him and held him and I vowed to take care of him, good care.
Fastforward 4 months. My Billy and I, new parents to a baby boy and seeming happy, got ready to move in together, in our first apartment. An odd, familiar urge rose in me, and I regretfully didn't ignore this urge. When Michael was almost 5 months old, my boyfriend and I started doing drugs again. We were smoking meth, shortly after moving in. I wasn't able to hold down a job, due to my use. As soon as I had a bad day at work, I quit. In mid- August of 2007, when Micahel was 8 months old I got in an accident and I cried and cried because I was so glad my son wasn't with me in the car.
I had found a needle with meth in it that my boyfriend was hiding. Shooting up? Hmmm... Well, since he's going behind my back, I'll go behind his. I called up a couple that shot up dope together and asked them if they'd help me with my first time......
That whole week was a blur. I cheated on Billy with the couple because I wanted to get high some more. What did I care if I had to do that? It made me aroused anyway. Billy found out the next day and a shit storm ensued. He went out and drank. We made up by doing some dope and having sex. People say there's nothing more intimate than shooting up with your partner. At the time, they were right.